Thinking about all that still needs to be done and the fact that it really is all just one big week away has created some little stress sensations in my mind and body.
Really, right now, I should be making lists and putting stuff together rather than sitting here and writing a blog about my feelings!
But hey, I made a promise that I would keep you updated, so here I am (haha my way to procrastinate without repercussions).
Unfortunately I have not been able to do much with Fresco, except for some undemanding time. For one I am busy busy busy with chores that really need to be done before I leave. I also feel like a huge money spending machine because I really need to buy a lot of stuff that I need before leaving and that kind of makes me feel guilty, I’m usually not a big spender, but it’s really necessary!
As far as my emotions go, well I am trying not to think about it, but I feel worried that I will be one of the least advanced students over there and that I will not fit in. I’m only officially a level 2 student and I saw some others that are also going doing such cool things with their horses. This is when this creepy anxiety of feeling like a failure is coming up. I know that there is no reason to feel like that and I’m sure that nobody will ever make me feel like a failure at the Parelli center, at least I hope, but it’s so difficult to get rid of this bloody feeling!
This thought is one that I try to reduce and push away by imagining the opposite, you know the dream where you just start doing your thing and every single person around is impressed by how knowledgeable you are and how smooth and cool you are :-), hey I know it’s silly but it works for me! In my mind Fresco and I are superstars, we can do the fanciest stuff like piaffe, passage, I can even ride him standing, he can gallop away like a madman at liberty and when I whistle, he stops, turns and gallops towards me, ooh yeah baby, we are stars! (I wish)
Then there’s the “what can happen along the way” anxiety. The what if’s are piling up and I really hate what if’s, they always make me feel weak and insecure and I really want to feel strong and secure, like the leader my horse needs. So I won’t even list the things that sometimes go through my head because it will only intensify them for me, sorry for keeping you out on this one but I’m sure you won’t mind!
So for the positive note, I feel very satisfied about everything in and around my house, all that was planned to be done, actually happened, and even within the deadlines! I also started dreaming about how I would like my terrace to look like and I’m mentally creating a dream book with goals and dream objects that are part of the goal.
Fresco is enjoying his time off, he loves to see me come to the gate now, although I still don’t get a trot or canter but that’s his horsenality, it just wouldn’t be cool enough if he would run to me, that would totally blow his cover!
I’m a bit worried with his hooves as they are completely crooked especially his hind feet. It has always been like that but now it’s worse and his hooves are also not very strong, they show cracks all over. Now I am giving him a formula for feet that was advised to me by a very good friend and I’m curious to see if it will help. It’s supposed to make his hooves stronger and therefore reduce the crookedness that is mainly caused by friction when we go out riding on stones and roads. I certainly hope it helps because I feel so sorry for him as his weight is not being correctly distributed on his joints which then again can lead to higher back pains and even difficulties riding. I also have a sneaking suspicion that this is what is keeping him from offering a right lead. Tomorrow the trimmer is coming, so I’m very happy about that, finally his hooves will be straightened again and I’ll be able to check if the right lead is easier or not.
I will sure let you know what the results are!
Thank you for reading,