I wanted to devote this particular blog to tell you about everything that went on inside my head and heart during these past 3 weeks.
Missing my kids, my boyfriend and my family has been very hard, but weirdly enough bearable simply because there was not a whole lot of time to think about them. There were a few hard times when I had talked to my kids and they told me they missed me, also when my boyfriend told me my oldest son had been crying for a while after the internet connection broke down and he couldn’t talk to me any longer through skype. My youngest definitely has a hard time, he is a mama’s boy and he already misses me after a weekend away from me. Unfortunately he usually sleeps already when I have time to skype so I see him less than Kynan. My boyfriend has been amazing, he keeps in touch all the time and that keeps me going. He even got a puppy last week (finally after 3 years of looking for one) and I’m so exited to get home to see her. During the weekend he was here, there were some tensions because of different expectations from both sides but we managed to work it out. I realized that it must be really hard for him too to not understand half of what everyone is saying, one due to the language barrier and 2 because of all the horsemanship lingo. For him it also meant coming into a group of people that became very close as we have been sharing emotional ups and downs all this time. This group of people is the biggest group of like minded people I have ever met. Usually you have a few of outsiders or at least some complete different thinking individuals in a group this big (24), but here everyone is in the same boat, everyone is extremely dedicated and there is not one person that is even considering giving up!
As for what I’ve been through emotionally, that is a very long story and I don’t know if I could even describe it well as it all happens on such a deep level. There are a few things that have changed in my thinking though:
1) I no longer want to rush through things but rather make sure I do everything correctly, take the time it takes and enjoy the journey rather than being frustrated every time something goes wrong or doesn’t go as planned.
2) I found out that I have the most difficulties dealing with horses/people that have the same characteristics as me. It frustrates me and gets under my skin if someone or a horse does something that I also would do. I’m still working on emotionally dealing with this but this might be the most challenging one.
3) I no longer feel responsible for other people’s emotions. That is a very powerful change as I used to be one of those people that would try to change others so that they would feel better, grow personally and become better people. I found out that this rarely has a desired effect if not the opposite effect. I found this out when somebody was trying to do it to me. Hmm how interesting!
4) I am no longer sure that I want to become an instructor straight away, I might want to get really good or at least much better before going for the instructor course. I really admire the instructors I have met so far and now I realize what a huge responsibility they have and how good they need to be to be able to deal with certain situations. And when I say good, it’s not only good at horsemanship, they need to be emotionally fit, physically, socially, their attitude is admirable and they need to know so many details about horses and people!
5) It hit me during the course how dangerous this job is and how cool you need to be in your head. We had about 3 or 4 accidents of which 1 very serious one that needed an ambulance (in this case a helicopter). These things make you humble and tend to bring you right back on the ground with both feet. I sure will look into insurance first thing when I get back home.
6) Expectations are very funny things. You need to have them otherwise life is boring, but they can so easily get in the way of a relationship. I have learned how to keep my expectations pretty low and to share them with others, but I noticed that not many people do this. The hidden expectations are the worst, they can pretty much destroy a very good day in a split second.
Well these are the most important things I have been through and only prove how powerful this Fast track course is. It gets to you at so many levels, not only horsemanship.
We have been talking a lot about what’s next, there is the instructor course, the externship, the internship and so on. The externship sounds really tempting but I don’t think that it will be an option as it is 12 weeks and this time in the US! If I were 18 years old and had the money, I would have already booked the flight 🙂 But life comes with responsibilities and this option seems quite unreachable for now anyways.
Well at least I have these 4 weeks to remember and to use for the rest of my life. Maybe one day when the kids are out of the house I could think about a longer stay in the US, you never know.
So well folks, this is all for now, I hope you have enjoyed my inner thoughts and wish you a very excellent day!